So for last two weeks I meant to sit down and write some stuff and then things happened.
First there was a week of SciFest, which meant I was at uni for most of the time, and when I wasn’t I had to do usual stuff like washing, cooking etc.
Second my interpreting jobs picked up- which is great as I need money, but that means lots of time spent commuting and waiting for appointments with clients.
Then as my daughter’s tenth birthday is approaching my mother said she would visit. So reminder of my time was devoted entirely to prepping the house for inspection. You get the jist, cleaning windows, repainting the bathroom, planning meals for her stay to name just a few. My mother has an obsession for window dressing- new curtains every season and they have to be spotless. Obviously cleaners would not do it to her standard, I had to get on with it myself.
I am completely knackered and today I was told by my sis, that she won’t be coming after all. So I just sat down and let the whole tension bleed away. Ok my house is clean and prepped but the whole tension of it is something I don’t need. In fact nobody needs that. Thing is none of my siblings nor I have a decent relationship with my parents. Our relationships are clear, they are based on resentment. parents resent us- because we have not turned out the way they imagined, we resent them because they don’t respect our choices and who we are. Long time ago when we were small, parents had planned our futures, and when we grew up we did not share this vision. And that where is the root of a problem. I love my parents but I accept that we don’t really like each other. From their perspective I am an awful daughter who deprived them the right to spoil rotten the only grandchild. I moved away, long long way. 1500 miles to be exact. And it took me long time to get my fragile self esteem back in shape. My earliest days of motherhood were spoiled by my own mother questioning and criticizing every decision and every move I made. Even now, after 9 years in different country the very perspective of her visit makes me anxious. I am so jealous of my friends who have good relations with their parents. Because I never had that. I hope in a future my daughter won’t feel this way about me. I’ll do whatever I can to prevent that. Don’t get me wrong I had a happy childhood, is just grown up part which didn’t work for us.
So are you friend with your parents? or more specifically mother? Please tell me it’s possible.