and I am stuck at home revising for chemistry exam. After a bit of panic I realised it won’t be happening until week on Tuesday, so could stop panicking. Who am I trying to cheat. I will be panicking as it is chemistry. Analytical chemistry. Those two words are enough to make my stomach turn. Thing is, I know that I understand it, I know I can do it, but I still have to fight with this nasty voice in my head (who sounds just like my high school chemistry teacher) telling me I can’t do that. And I know it’s bulshit and I can, but it makes me doubt myself. Especially if I have lots of other things on my mind. See I am not the most organised person in the world, never was. I can’t do revision in advance, I can’t physically make myself write assignments before deadlines, I never learned to do that. I went to school year earlier than other kids in my class, to do that I had to pass exam in which I had to fluently read, write and count. And when I started school all the other kid were learning to read and write- and I was bored. Bored to the extent that a week in I packed my bag mid lesson and said that I’m going home, as there was nothing for me to do. I had a really nice teacher- she let me read books instead of doing other stuff. And I had spend this way three first years of my formal education. Three crucial years- when I should have gained skills of doing my homework on time, some discipline in learning. But neither my school nor my teacher (and parents too if we are at it) were prepared to deal with the kid like me. If you have a kid which at the start is competent enough to pass three years worth of school levels, you give them individual lesson plan and programme, and if they finish primary school programme in 3 years -so be it. I am not trying to say that I am a genius- for sure I’m not. But I was a very curious child wanting to learn, and then school managed to kill this. Because I didn’t learn the discipline of homework and revising from one lesson to the next, I got a label “talented but lazy” and teachers didn’t bother with me. That resulted with a bag of very mixed scores and my very patchy knowledge. Things I found interesting I learned without problems, Things I didn’t like- I just skipped. I remember maths teacher at late primary (for you it would be a secondary school- different system) who at the start said that” girls are stupid and don’t get maths”. This is a quote from our first lesson with him. He shouldn’t have been teaching. Because after hearing this all of us falling first test, treated it as confirmation of his opinion. We didn’t get maths and were stupid- so why bother.
It took me till over 30, to get over that and try to do something for myself. But I can’t change myself and learn things as they come, so more panicky revision for me, I’ll be back once I finish this year at uni. I promise- I already have so many ideas I want to share with you. Just need the time to take pictures, write it up, make some stuff.
PS, this scary picture that features is a part of my revision 😀